Universal Abortion Background Check

On February 1st the president's executive orders go into effect, assuring all citizens are safe from the dangers of unregulated abortions.

All women who desire an abortion will be entered into a national registry. The government has decided that women will only be allowed to have one abortion per year, and no more than seven in a lifetime. “Women have a right to choose in the constitution...er...somewhere, but we do need to make sure they know that their government is best at distributing those rights.”

All women who wish to have an abortion must produce references from a close friend or relative who will certify their need for abortion is absolutely necessary. “We support a woman’s right to choose” said Christian Coalition President Roberta Combs, “but think these regulations are necessary to protect the public from the violence associated with unrestricted access to abortions.”

Those seeking abortion must now undergo a background check, where financial records will be obtained to determine whether she can truly support a child. Those found able to do so will not be allowed to terminate the life of another human being. (Tip from Planned Parenthood: Leave the iPhone at home when pleading economic hardship!)

Further, if the background check reveals mental illness or demonstrates reasonable doubt as to the carefulness with which the woman is exercising her reproductive rights, the decision to abort will be placed in the hands of an arbitrator.  “While due regard must be maintained for a woman's privacy, stemming human-on-human violence for the public good outweighs the risks,” said legislators.

There will be mandatory counseling from an authorized counselor, psychiatrist, or clergyperson coupled with a three day “cooling off” waiting period.

Small rural clinics will be replaced with satellite abortion operating rooms attached to major hospitals in large cities where federally licensed and properly supervised abortion providers will ensure documentary compliance.

In attempt to close the “private practice loophole” only federally licensed abortion providers will be able to prescribe Mifepristone (RU-486, aka “the morning after pill”).

No one under the age of eighteen will be allowed to have an abortion without the supervision of their parents.

Finally, all non-medically necessary abortions must take place within the first trimester. “No one really needs more than three months to decide on something like taking a human life. High Capacity Waiting Periods - those consisting of more than three months for choosing termination - are really only needed by medical professionals and law enforcement agencies...and eugenicists,” quipped someone in a rather dashing vest.

Abortion Extremist™ Terry O'Neil, President of The National Organization For Women (NOW) disagrees. “These regulations are nothing more than a draconian curtailment of the God given freedoms that established this country and made it the beacon of hope it has become for people around the world. We will fight this by any means necessary.”

Further legislation will seek to reinstate and strengthen the late-term abortion ban; give law enforcement additional tools to prevent and prosecute unlawful abortions; and end the media silence on abortion violence research.