Show'em you're a tiger...or at least a cheetah

From the "folks, you just can't make this stuff up" department:

A local couple arrested on domestic assault charges Sunday had an unusual choice of alleged weaponry -- Cheetos™.

That must be why they advertise them as "dangerously cheesy." (Could that apply to my blog?)

I hear that you can get aggravated battery if you use the flamin' Cheetos™ flavor.

Warrants filed by Cpl. Kevin Roddy, of the Bedford County Sheriff's Department, stated he responded to a call at a home on Pass Road, where 40-year-old James Earl Taylor and Mary S. Childers, 44, were allegedly involved in an argument.

You can tell that they're a classy couple, too. If the use of a name-brand faux-cheeze puffed corn treat (Cheetos™) wasn't enough to convince you, surely the fact that she's retained her maiden name will attest to her refined character and generally being a forward-thinking, liberated lady. OR, maybe they're just common-law combatants.

On reflection, this one could go either way.

According to Roddy's report, the pair became "involved in a verbal altercation" with each other "at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault."

I've worked with enough police officers to know that this last line was written specifically to make a desk captains completely lose his composure while going over the night's reports. But it presents a challenge to the state's case. As I said, Cheeetos™ are a puffed corn treat.

A savvy lawyer will pick this up and file for a dismissal based on sloppy police work and crime-scene investigation.

"There was evidence of the assault," the report read, "however no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined."

We asked Chester Cheetah™, but he plead the fifth.

Fortunately, Cheetos has offered to salve their marriage with yet another of their winning products.


Kiss and make up!
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