Your Best Seat...NOW!!!

Victoria Osteen, wife of Lakewood tepid telepeptalkgiver Joel Osteen, is in court today. She's charged with assault "during an outburst over a stain on her first-class seat."

Hopefully, she'll be able to use some of the proceeds from her upcoming book, Love Your Life, to settle up. While not widely reported on, the original subtitle was "Your Best Life Now at 10,000 Feet."

Frankly, she needs to become a better her, first. If she's going to have her best life now, it better damn well include the best seat... RIGHT NOW!!!

Moving off of fossil fuels

If somebody says that their energy policy is to get us off of fossil fuels, make sure they elaborate step two.

Presidential Hopeful

Honestly, could she be any worse than what we're already facing?

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Peace-loving Iran at it again

Iran is now sabre-rattling about its "newest weapon" for strikes at sea. Some people want to say that Iran is a peace-loving country (and I'm sure her people are), and that the nuclear facilities they hid from the world for nearly two decades are for peaceful energy purposes (in a country with enough oil and natural gas to see it through the next century or more, given steady growth). I find that naive, based on the escalation of tensions - largely on the part of Iran - in the region.

And I'm sure the current ramp-up in weapons testing and chest-beating is just part of its face-saving, non-violent, peaceful attempts at proclaiming their sovereignty and cultural distinctiveness...right? Give me a break!

The sooner this threat is unmasked and declawed, the better it will be for her own people and for the world. Pray that it can be done peacefully, without resort to open warfare. Their government has ready made plain their plans.

World's Oldest Jokes

I love it when two of my passions come together to meet. Dr. Kim Paffenroth wed zombies and religion for me (two great tastes that taste weird together). Now someone has done the same for ancient history and humor. It's not the first time, but it's good. Below is a selection from the top ten.

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." (Credited to the Emperor Augustus 63 BC – 14 AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence." (Collected in the Philogelos or "Laughter-Lover" the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)

My favorite - which didn't make the cut - is the one found in Codex Exoniensis (as reported by the Torygraph). It runs thus:

“What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?’ Answer: A key.”

I'll bet +Leofric laughed his lappets off at that one.