Satan is wearing long johns

I just agreed with Keith Olbermann!

Moral Relativism vs Relative Moralism

Okay...I'm no longer PCUSA, so I should probably keep my nose out of this. But I was startled by the PUPpies challenge to the GAPJC. However, I believe that a pattern being displayed is actually cross-denominational. It's what Dr. Albert Mohler has termed relative moral relativism.

I think Dr. Achtemeier is confused about who are the friends to whom he owes his highest allegiance. He wants to fight for his friends - that's part of what the getting together and dialogging is about - becoming friends. The PCUSA seems convinced that anybody can cross their principles so long as they have friends on the other side. It's the natural result of believing that propositional truth is in reality prepositional truth (whom you're with, whom you're against - rather than hath God said...).

What I mean by this is the silly notion that all of your allegiances and philosophicotheopolitical commitments are a result of the "folks ya run with" and not well-thought out convictions. For a large part of the populace, it is true that bad company corrupts good morals - thus, getting a broader view of the world can help mitigate those inimical forces that keep us ignorant and bigoted. Exposure to different view points, understanding where people are coming from, etc. is of great service in disposing of human bias.

(The same works in reverse - we can become skewed by the company we keep. I remember falling in with a KJV-only group in my early college days. It didn't last, but for about two months I was convinced that the NIV was sending people tah HAY-uhl!!! I got over that - though I still think the NRSV stands for the Nebbish Revisional Substandard Version.)

However, to continually mistake well thought out ethical / theological / political positions for ignorant and/or malicious bias is perhaps the capital obstruction to talking to "the left" on the issue of homosexuality. It's not bias...it's biblical. Fight the battle there and nowhere else.

As for who should take precedence in our allegiances? Jesus, the Word written, and the company of saints who have died to get it to us take precedence...not some people that you met in the last 30 years and worked with on a committee for 5. You're going to live in accountability to Jesus for all eternity, so make now count.

h/t Toby

On Expelling Dissidents

Hey Heartland Presbytery! Are you listening?

Anyway you slice it this pie is a lie

When I was a little bit younger, I got taken in by the moveon.org folks. I thought Ben (of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream) made a lot of sense when he talked about Oreo cookie allotments and pie apportionments of government spending. In fact, I had lot's of fun pretending that I had the ability to rightly allocate government budgetary processes with this web app. There's only one problem with this whole scenario: It's misleading from the start and leads to an outright lie about fiscal policy.

The chart claims to show the federal budget, but it only shows discretionary spending. Further, if you look at the report from the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, you'll see that Medicare and Medicaid combined overtake Defense spending - even during this time of war. Not good enough for you? How about Social Security (which includes welfare)? They spend $47,000,000,000 dollars more than the Department of Defense. Why aren't we calling an end to LBJ's "war on poverty" yet? Oh...I remember... we just haven't thrown enough money at it, yet.

Granted, there's plenty to harp about in terms of uncontrolled spending. However, the less than 20% of budgeting during an active state of military mobilization? That's pretty small. I wish it weren't there, but it isn't cause to go nuts the next time someone tells you that the war is spending us into oblivion. We've got plenty of other programs doing that, tyvm.

Out-for-blood Drive

A little background: I'm still on the communitymail email list for LPTS. It's an email listserv where people can announce general interest items. I've had some "adventures" on there in the past, but things got ugly when folks wanted to paint me as the mouth-breathing conservative homophobic woman-beater instead of make an intelligent rebuttal. I generally leave it alone, but when the following came along...well...I couldn't hold back.

Let me set it up: LPTS hosts several blood drives throughout the year. There's always a handful of international students or folks who've gone on mission trips to parts of the world that disqualify them from giving blood. With some recent loosening of restrictions on foreign travel, the office staff person that coordinates these donations sent out a helpful email reminding people to reconsider whether or not they are newly eligible. In response to that information, an student demagogue wrote the following:*

I find it somewhat disturbing that we don't make some statement expressing our concern that (as far as I can see in this email) homosexuals are still summarily excluded from eligibility to donate.

To which I responded, as pastorally as I could:

I find it somewhat comforting that - when you graduate - you're "MD" will only stand for Master of Divinity, not Medical Doctor.

Do you seriously believe that this decision is based on homophobia, heterosexism, or anything other than rational medical science?

Stick to exegesis, and leave the epidemiology to competent critics.

(BTW, "homosexuals" aren't excluded - only men who've actually had sex with another man since 1977. That means a heterosexual who was raped in 1983 isn't eligible but a 20 yr old homosexual who has been chaste is eligible, as would be all lesbians - assuming no other risk factors.)

Abraham Maslow once said, "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. " Mainline seminaries have sold out to the "oppression / patriarchy / issues" ticket, and are creating ordinands that are incapable of reflecting on ethical, theological, biblical, or political issues outside of that framework. And we're the poorer for it.

* Names have been changed to protect the willfully stupid.

PS - This is the kind of stuff that made my CPM say "CPE will cure him!"

Update! Touchy non-celibate gay male responds:

[Student demagogue] was referring to the fact that gay men are not allowed to donate blood. The list includes people who are now allowed to donate who previously were not allowed to do so. He was commenting on the fact that gay men SHOULD be on that list but ARE NOT on that list. I guess the tests they run on the blood doesn't work for queer blood, that is the only reason that I can figure out as to why gay men are still excluded.

Update part deux: I've been reported to the dean of students. shudder What is it about those Holston boys that makes'em so reportable? Anyway, it's not the first time it's happened. It will probably be the last, as I'm moving away (into my first home!) in about a month.

Suggested Hymns for the Feast of Palindromes

"Are We Not Drawn Onward, We Jews, Drawn Onward to New Era?" (Tune: Miryrim)
"Don't Nod, Don't Nod" (Tune: Drowsy Baby's Word)
"King, Are You Glad You Are King?" (Tune: Rev. Onan Over)
"May a Moody Baby Doom a Yam" (Tune: See Bees)
"Amen! Enema!" (Tune: Angelum Smulegna)

H/T: Edward Moran

Emotional responsibility

This has ended miserably each time I've tried it - for all parties involved.



For the dangers posed by this in the pastorate, see Toby's blog on the Therapist Caretaker model.

(p.s. - There is a difference between responsibility and responsitivity.)

Plato on Tolerance

I ran across a wonderful quote from Plato:

"The unrighteous and vicious are always to be pitied in any case; and one can afford to forgive as well as to pity him who is curable, and refrain and calm one’s anger, not getting into a passion, like a woman, and nursing ill-feeling. But upon him who is incapable of reformation and wholly evil, the vials of our wrath should be poured out; wherefore, I say, that good men ought, as the occasion demands, to be either gentle or passionate." (Plato, Laws, 731.)

In essence, he's pointing out that tolerance is a virtue but only to a point. After that, it becomes a demonic weakness.

Only Six Quirky Things?

I’ve just been “tagged” by David at The Reformed Pastor to provide “six unimportant facts/quirks/habits about myself.” Harumph! As if there were even on unimportant fact about me! And my habits and behaviors are quite normal...it's everyone else who is out of sync!

Okay...enough self-justification. Past the arms and through the fingers, careful gang...the scent will linger:

1) I have an unhealthy knowledge of academic dress. I know enough about proper academic decorum and decoration to put most marshals and provosts this side of the Atlantic to shame. I actually collect certain varieties of gowns and hoods. I belong to list-servs dedicated to the subject (and to academic culture in general - such as post-nominals, historical universities, etc.).

2) I have a similar fascination with ecclesiastical vesture. Now these are actually quite interrelated as, historically, the clergy was the educated class. Most academic regalia is patterned on monastic habits. Similarly, in the English speaking world, Protestant churches are where you're most likely to encounter academic garb outside of the university setting. I also wrote an FAQ on vesture for the PCUSA while I was an intern for the Office of Theology and Worship. As my buddy Dave said, it's a subject in which I have a vested interest. (nyuk nyuk nyuk)

3) I'm fascinated with zombies. I like reading about them, watching movies about them, thinking about my plans for our family's survival in a post-apocalyptic zombie-infested America. It's really weird. We're looking at buying a house now, and my wife is already starting to anticipate my “that's not really zombie-proof” quip when the realtor points out all the natural lighting from a bay window.

4) I learned to cook from TV. It all started with Mr. Rogers making snacks in the kitchen. Then, I advanced to the The Frugal Gourmet. I remember back when the TV Food Network was only broadcast on for a few hours each day. Then they expanded the airtime by simply repeating the shows! How to Boil Water gave a great overview of the basics, and Mario Batali (whom I dressed as for Halloween one year when my hair was still long) taught me simple Italian cuisine. I still enjoy cooking shows, but my work schedule keeps me out of the kitchen.

5) I have trouble going straight through a book. I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to make my way through a single book without picking up two or three to work in on the side. I think part of it is this nasty compulsion I have with checking references. I refuse to leave a footnote unread; sometimes, I even go and check the reference myself. I'll even scan the end notes for a chapter and mentally tick which ones need to be read when I encounter them just to save time (after all, there's no sense flipping pages just to read an ibid. or idem). This isn't just for academic reading. I do this all the time. It drives Mrs. GrknDeacon nuts. About the only text I don't do this with is the Good Book, but then I trust its author implicitly.

6) I can't let a bad pun lay undone. I'm incorrigible when it comes to this. If I hold it in, my internal organs start to liquify or something. Anyone who has been around me for more than 10 minutes will start to groan and wince as I do this about that often. I have to seriously work at keeping them out of sermons, lectures, etc. It's a bit of a pride thing, as it's easy to get caught up in my own cleverness. But occasionally, I'm also able to make somebody smile. (Dave, thank you for good-naturedly groaning at them.)

I'm not tagging this to anyone because, outside of the consistory, I have no idea who reads me regularly. But if you do read this, and you decide to take it up, please link to it in the comments section.

Still a Calvinist, after all these years...

It's been a while since I did this. I figured I'd better show that I've still got some Calvinist "street-cred" since I've crossed over from English-style Reformed Church to Church, English-style.

What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Reformed Evangelical You are a Reformed Evangelical. You take the Bible very seriously because it is God's Word. You most likely hold to TULIP and are sceptical about the possibilities of universal atonement or resistible grace. The most important thing the Church can do is make sure people hear how they can go to heaven when they die. Reformed Evangelical 79% Neo orthodox 71% Roman Catholic 68% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 64% Fundamentalist 50% Emergent/Postmodern 46% Charismatic/Pentecostal 43% Classical Liberal 39% Modern Liberal 21%

Pastoral Sensitivity and CPE

After reading Jim Berkley's post on the bedside manner of John Calvin, I came across this post that gave the following video clip:

It's a perfect example of what the powers posers that be are demanding of mainline seminarians. It's not that CPE isn't useful for certain people - or that nothing can be gained from it by everyone. It's just that it is farcical to think that CPE gets anyone closer to the heart of Christian ministry (which - in more honest times - was called the "cure of souls"). It's also symptomatic of institutions which have converted to chaplain-mode. After all, if you don't believe that God actually does rescue his elect from the jaws of death, there's nothing to do but hold collective hands and say "hush" as the night closes on.

Mainline pastoral care classes try to teach you to be polite and sincere. Yet they are sincerely wrong and politely dying. People on the precipice of death need to know that you don't have time to play around with the "gospel of nice" - it's time to find out if the man who returned from the dead can get you to and through death's door with integrity.

Creativity an essential to religion

CAVEAT: I'm not PCUSA anymore, so this is tongue-in-cheek. (I don't have the class that Will Spotts shows in just staying out of it.) But it's my blog, so I can vent like that. This post was written before I was tidily swept out of the ordination process. However, with the recent GAPJC ruling, I think it's relevant. The real mess isn't about THE GAY, but about THE GOSPEL. Disobedience to evangelical truth lies at the root of the rot - across the mainlines sidelines.

At the bidding of Clifton Kirkpatrick, I was reflecting on what is essential to Christian faith. Since the only folks who will determine if I've met those essentials (and CPE) are in Holston Presbytery, I decided it best to visit the teaching ministry of our most Reformed blogger, who - unlike me - is able to hold ordained ministerial status. I found there an essential of creativity. With that in hand, I thought about the general impulse of the blog and decided I'd better get about the task of finding a politicized church where creativity was an essential (rather than all those essentials of the Christian faith he has trouble accepting or understanding, like the full deity of Christ and his second advent, the inspiration of the Scriptures, and the Triune personhood of God).

I think I finally found one. It essentializes creativity, looks for logical / scientific / evolutionary answers to the world's problems, holds that Christian history is full of human horrors caused by supernaturalistic dogma, forbids thought of an afterlife, thinks that religion is best occupied by political action rather than doctrinal issues, and is all about taking care of the environment. They even emphasize women clergy! (That's one better than those NWACko winos!)

My Drug Problem

A little something nice I will pass along to you all, that was sent to me from the letters to the editor section of a local newspaper in Avoyelles parish!

MOTHERS WHO DRUGGED US!!!

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question.

Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor-soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem.

America would be a much better place.

God bless the parents that drugged us!

Happy Lupercalia!

For those of a more historical bent, read this entertaining history on Lupercalia which was celebrated in the middle of the month, so it was replaced by St. Valentine's Day. Hmm...with the flagellation and emphasis on purification, maybe it's worth celebrating within the season of Lent after all!

Anyway, if your view of Valentine's Day is more associated with the romantic revisionism of Geoffrey Chaucer (cf lines 309ƒ), then here's an equally great lyrical addition in the vein of Theodor Geisel.

PS - On a historical note, this day in 1556, my new home boy Thomas Cranmer was convicted of heresy. He would later be burned at the stake. Now if that doesn't get you in the mood, I don't know what will. Talk about burning with passion...

Ministers of Wreckonciliation

Just in case you had any doubt as to what the Confession of 1967 ultimately meant to do (i.e., undermine the Westminster Confession of Faith), here's all the proof you need. It seems that reconciliation largely consists of throwing venomous barbs at those whose form of evangelism is actually working.

There is an overture to the 2008 General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA) to no longer recognize the Evangelical Presbyterian Church as a Reformed denomination. Frankly, coming from an institution that could best be described as "reformerly" - dear friends in the EPC - I'd take that as a complement.

Weighing in

I should probably talk about something relatively safe, like global warming, gay adoption, or dancing for peace. But, spurred on by my buddy John, I'm gonna stick my foot into the nastiness of the most heinous fight in years:* The Republican Presidential Primary.

I like talk radio, but it has been pretty unlistenable in the past few months. Hours of speculation about electability, personality, and who can out-Reagan whom (even Barak Hussein Obama got in on that one!)...it's all pretty stomach churning. But everything in the last few months pales in comparison to the vitriol placed on John McCain.

I'll admit - he's not my favorite. I was for him when he was up against Bush in the 2000 primary. But since then, I've strongly disapproved of several postures he's taken (even when he ended up voting for the right thing). But for Dr. Dobson to come out and publicly vilify the man, then endorse Huckabee... I'm speechless.

McCain is a bit of a maverick. But I thought Dobson knew how to handle strong-willed individuals.


*No - not the UNC-Duke rivalry. I have it on good authority that the Tarheels lost because they'd given up winning for Lent.

Singing Psalm 110

A lovely setting of Psalm 110.

Tune: Aurelia — “The Church’s One Foundation”

vv. 1-3

“Sit by Me at My right hand,” the Lord says to my Lord,

“Until I make Your foot stand on all who hate Your Word.”

From in His Church the Savior rules all His enemies;

While those who know His favor go forth the Lord to please.

vv. 3, 4

Filled with the Spirit’s power, in holy robes of love,

From early morning’s hour they serve their Lord above.

Christ reigns a priest forever, the King of Righteousness

And King of Peace who ever His chosen ones will bless.

vv. 5-7

The Lord at Your right hand, Lord, in wrath shall shatter kings,

When judgment by His strong Word, He to the nations brings.

Then, all His foes defeated, He takes His hard-won rest,

In glorious triumph seated with us, redeemed and blest!

Modernist Sermonizing

I came across this little gem on the Prayer Book Society's website. It so comported with EVERY SINGLE SERMON I heard while in seminary cemetary that I had to post it.

The sirens of modernity sound so sweet to the Episcopal Church because it has lost a full sense of the transcendence God and has majored on the immanence of God, so that its theology leans either towards pantheism (the mind or essence of the world is God) or possibly to panentheism (the world is included within the being of God). Thus the standard type of sermon is as follows:

• God is love;
  
• God's love is inclusive;
  
• God acts in justice to ensure that everyone (all types) is included;
  
• we should work with God as co-actors and co-creators in this great drama in making the world what She/He desires it to be.

This sort of theological reductionism is fait accompli in the mainline sidelined churches. It stands to be seen whether evangelicalism will fall to the same fate through the emergent movement.

Racism and Race Relations

Sorry about missing this.

The PCUSA designated January 20th as a day to focus on Race Relations. Fortunately, many PCUSA churches were focusing on atrocities committed against people of other races in the last 30 years (rather than becoming autoflagellants for the acts of our ancestors). Here's my suggested prayer to address the current crimes.

"God, I'm sorry for being quiet in the face of this wholesale slaughter of black babies. Forgive me for squandering resources of time, talent, and treasure on creating - then fighting - imagined slights. Forgive me for turning my hand towards the enabling of this unmitigated evil. Change my priorities so that their burden becomes mine to bear...not to legislate. For Christ's sake, we ask it. Amen."

I have a dream that one day black babies won't be killed at three times the rate of white babies. In fact, in my dream, they're all safe...not because of the color of their skin or the content of their character, but because of the image they bear.

BTW, if you want to meet some people who are carrying out the ministry of reconciliation among the races through reconciling ALL PEOPLES to the Triune God, go here. Carry on, my brothers & sisters!

Homeschooling Wish List

There are predictable reactions when people find out we homeschool our kids. So, when I ran across this rant in Secular Homeschooling Magazine, I had to laugh hard and share it. Consider yourself warned. We homeschoolers can be a scrappy, snarky bunch.

1. Please stop asking us if it's legal. If it is - and it is - it's insulting to imply that we're criminals. And if we were criminals, would we admit it?
2. Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of both concepts.
3. Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize.
4. Don't assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you know.
5. If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV, either on the news or on a "reality" show, the above goes double.
6. Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by homeschooling. You're probably the same little bluebird of happiness whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you've ever heard. We all hate you, so please go away.
7. We don't look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear they're in public school. Please stop drilling our children like potential oil fields to see if we're doing what you consider an adequate job of homeschooling.
8. Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.
9. Stop assuming that if we're religious, we must be homeschooling for religious reasons.
10. We didn't go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision, tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your own educational decisions.
11. Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my credentials. I didn't have to complete a course in catering to successfully cook dinner for my family; I don't need a degree in teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call public school left me with so little information in my memory banks that I can't teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest and dearest, maybe there's a reason I'm so reluctant to send my child to school.
12. If my kid's only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can possibly teach him what he'd learn in school, please understand that you're calling me an idiot. Don't act shocked if I decide to respond in kind.
13. Stop assuming that because the word "home" is right there in "homeschool," we never leave the house. We're the ones who go to the amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and holidays when it's crowded and icky.
14. Stop assuming that because the word "school" is right there in homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every day, just like your kid does. Even if we're into the "school" side of education - and many of us prefer a more organic approach - we can burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we don't have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.
15. Stop asking, "But what about the Prom?" Even if the idea that my kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to school don't get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I'm one of them. I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.
16. Don't ask my kid if she wouldn't rather go to school unless you don't mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn't rather stay home and get some sleep now and then.
17. Stop saying, "Oh, I could never homeschool!" Even if you think it's some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you're horrified. One of these days, I won't bother disagreeing with you any more.
18. If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class, you're allowed to ask how we'll teach these subjects to our kids. If you can't, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn't possibly do a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.
19. Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child's teacher as well as her parent. I don't see much difference between bossing my kid around academically and bossing him around the way I do about everything else.
20. Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious, quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or loud because he's homeschooled. It's not fair that all the kids who go to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as representative of anything but childhood.
21. Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because she's homeschooled.
22. Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I homeschool my kids.
23. Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I homeschool my kids.
24. Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won't get because they don't go to school, unless you want me to start asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because you went to school.
25. Here's a thought: If you can't say something nice about homeschooling, shut up!

HT: Deborah Markus